Sponge bath it is.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
