Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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