just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was confusing and full of hummus
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
