I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
