you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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