Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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