he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
