i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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