So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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