nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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