I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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