My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
