She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
