I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
