you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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