textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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