I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
