I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
