I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize