i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
