at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
