I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize