if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
