I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
