my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
