he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize