Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
