I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
