Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
