I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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