oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
what day is it and did you see me today?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
