I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
