Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
