The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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