Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
