dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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