I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
