yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
