She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
