you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
