You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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