Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
time to smoke my breakfast
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
