so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
