Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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