Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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