He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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