I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
