I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Randomize
