You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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