Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
