I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
