I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
