And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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