Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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