Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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