He uses pillows to masturbate.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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