Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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