i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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